23 MAR, 2011
Yesterday, I took a picture of my pussy in my dear friend, Wesley..., “womb”- colored Brooklyn living room. There was no particular reason besides boredom...
I am still surprised when I see my pussy in front of me. I was surprised before T and I am surprised after T. By surprised, I mean more unfamiliar than uncomfortable. I do experience lower dysphoria, but at the same time, I do not wish I had a cock and I definitely do NOT like to refer to any part of my dear pussy as a cock. Of late, my sexual partners do not identify as having cocks.
I only say this to make my next point, which is, I am having moments where I wish we could fuck each other with our genitalia, but not in a manner where one person has something resembling a cock and the other a vagina*.
More than ever, I feel like a gender non-conforming person of a third sex. There are so few images from which I can draw inspiration to help clarify how I understand, envision and share my sex. I do sometimes imagine myself as a little nymph with glittery eyes, running through a green-green forest holding hands with a fairy. [...]
17 SEP, 2010
[…] I know that I am dissatisfied with my relationship to my sexual self. There’s disconnect and longing that points in rather than out, thus revealing that, for now, it lies in my relationship to myself and not in my sexual relationships, or lack of, with others. This may change over time.
30 SEP, 2011
[…] Throughout my life, I have often felt like an impostor, weaving in and out of different settings and identities, waiting for someone to call-out the hoax. It is a familiar and shared trans experience and helps me to understand my grapplings with “authenticity” in other realms. I am in a constant state of creating, yet often leave projects unfinished, almost terrified of the finished product.
[…] I don’t have to identify as a “writer” to write, or an “artist” to make art or “male” or “female” to have a gender…..and yet no matter how many times I pray to the goddesses of self-love and humility, I find myself, both consciously and subconsciously, working so hard to draw a neat little box around myself.
[…] I like examining my gender expressions and various emotional states with my macbook. True, I have a pretty decent digital camera, but there is something so alluring about my run-down mac book. It’s like taking a picture while looking into the mirror. The fact that I feel like a boy on some days and a girl on others* is really…well….fucking awesome and damn interesting.